“Help, please”

Found this in my inbox today:

Hi, Jon! I feel very excited when I write this e-mail for contact you, you’re very very smart person!. I’m an universitary student, I have a big problem, I hope that you can help me, please, You’re my only hope . In this semester at my university, I’m very very bad with the academic result, I dissaprove 3 courses, I’m so much to get depressed. Never in my life I dissaprove so much courses, because I’m study so much, but definitely I don’t have lucky, it’s the only reason for this academic disaster. At previous semesters, my marks are good. I don’t know if you can modify this marks at the Intranet of the university and next with much security I help you with something that you ask me, but that it’s at my reach. Please answer me fast, before the 25th of December, because for this dates, the academic results are deliver to my fathers. And if my father see this marks, they’ll kill me with much security, moreover I compromised with a enterprise for work, and this academic results had seen for with bad eyes for the enterprise.


56 thoughts on ““Help, please””

  1. Interesting, but have you considered doing that evil thing for him seriously ? 😛
    This is ain’t funny, that guy is really helpless that he can’t even think positively ! (no flaming).

  2. Actually, I have some marks that I’d like you to fix for me… :-/
    But if that email is any indication, Im not surprized at the lack of A+++’s

  3. So I graduated college a while back, University of Texas at Austin. Could you go ahead and use my provided email address to discover my university identity, and then hack into my universities network and change my BS in computer science to Ph.D, and also if you could change that gpa from 2.2 to 4.0, I’d really appreciate it.

    Thanks Jon! 🙂

  4. Now I know I’m only 13, but could you hack into Harvard and get me an MBA degree?

  5. While you’re on, can you break into my company’s accounts system and double my pay?

  6. Hi, Jon! I feel very excited when I write this e-mail for contact you …
    I am a lazy guy and I can’t work for living. Could you please hack to my bank account and add a couple of dollar more to it, let’s say 100,000,000 $.
    Thanks in advance

  7. Ok, so he “dissaproved” 3 classes out of how many? It would be a great idea to hop onto the system and make sure he “dissaproved” all of his classes. I’m sure his fathers would kill him with much security and those bad eyes would open even wider at the enterprise.

  8. I have a need to be younger. This, I believe, will enable to add a few decades to my dwindling lifespan. So could you please hack into the registry where my birth records are archived and change my birth date to something more youthfully acceptable?

  9. i hope that was meant as a very bad joke by someone. that is almost as bad as the girl who randomly IM’d some guy, paid him to write a paper and turned it in without reading it.

    kids these days.

  10. HeHeHe …. I`ll buy him a “Hacking For Dummies Book” for Xmas … opps that will be to late … MuHAHAHAHA

  11. Leaving apart that this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while …. what’s with the English? I can bet that he has used an internet translator to write this… the thing with security and his father 😀

  12. Wow. It kind of looks like he used Google’s translation tool to write this. Absolutely hilarious. Hopefully his fathers dont kill him TOO sucurely.

  13. rofl – thats awsome – wish had I this lack of ability to speak in english

  14. If he can teach you how to write like him then you should fix his grades.

  15. he should quit skool and move to Nigeria where there is much typing work for him at bank that is trying to be rid of $26,000,000,000,000,000.35

  16. have you ever considered that maybe he dosnt speak english and used a translator to write that email you guy are jurks haha hey wait i would of done the same thing nvm

  17. i would have asked him to email the uni admin to hack his scores/ or get him to tell his teachers thats hes a hacker and going to change his own score.
    that way when he fails and gets kicked out of uni he could say he tried, ; )
    i wish people would not ask for stupid things like this,

  18. I hope for his sake that he isn’t a native english speaker, and this email is just the mangled results of a translator program. If he is a native english speaker I am curious how he got into a university in the first place.

  19. Hi
    Got degree in engineering made lots of money and spent even more. Now old. I have good life with wife and two smart children. Many bad things happened along the way. Many more good things happened as well.
    Don’t sweat the small stuff – in the future no one will care about your grades !
    Be good and do good things as some one or maybe everyone will care about what kind of person you are.


  20. Patrick, obviously not a native speaker and not a translator either. Looks like the student is just using a WhateverLanguage->English dictionary to pick out some words that they don’t know.

  21. Seems intresting, when you are done with that it would be appriciated that you broke into my company’s computers and tripppled my pay and made me CEO. Thank you very much, you are my only hope 😉

  22. No, he means Intranet, as in, the university network. And I think that it was a translator program. You could do a lot better with a dictionary and some time. Really.

  23. Sure it appears funny, but the poor guy is clearly desperate. He’s having difficulties with work, university and his family. He is correct about two things: he does need help, and he doesn’t know who to ask. Perhaps you could do something compassionate and write back suggesting he talk to a counsellor at his university.

    Some people see you as a hero now, Jon. As you have done with your hacking skills, I hope you can do something truly great with this new power.

  24. How many students commit suicide every year because of bad grades at school?


    I understand the email is hilarious, but can hide a real problem.

    You’re still quite young, Jon, but your fame gives you also some responsabilities, that you like it or not.

    It is cool posting here the email – it is quite fun to read – but I hope you also did something intelligent about it.

    Ah, someone remember the “I kiss you” turkish guy? this email sounds alot like that webpage… (hey just googled him, now he has a website: http://www.ikissyou.org)

    Ah, happy new year!!!

  25. if what is written is real…
    mabe he’s reading this…
    but it’s too late 25th of December is passed
    if it’s real he should have written to mitnick or other famous “hacker”
    by the way mabe dvd-jhon is described somewhere as a “hacker” (good guys like a kernel hackers)
    so mabe he thoat he was a “hacker” as mitnick was
    by the way this mail is strange…

  26. if i had been the “hacker” to recive this email i wouild probably end up making all his grades failing,

  27. it would be funny if you do. it is like that simpson eposide where homer ask the geeks in college to pass the exam for him and he gets pusnished for it

  28. Yah i am wondering as well, what was so funny about this email. If it was joke then fine but if someone was asking for help than you should have really replied and said if u can or cant. I dont see the point in making this public. You either didnt have anything to post or just chose to humiliate someone for whatever reason. In any case its very irresponsible on your part to make fun out of someone who was asking for help, whatever kind of help, you suppose to appreciate that someone thinks of you as a person who could actually help get out of that situation and what you do, make fun of it. Very strange.

  29. Rotten terms come and go. Flunking a few classes or even a year is just good building up self confidence which is not related to school. I guess it is good for your character too.

    This guy – however – excelled in faking results. But eventually his own past cought up with him:

    (This one is about faking results in research)

  30. Damn that was fun to read! I think english is one of the courses he “disapproved” 😀

  31. dev/null:

    When I say that he needs the help of “super Gimp” I want to tell that he could fake his marks.
    It isnt a good idea, but I hope that´s its better than join the campus intranet.

  32. I thought hiring college students was one thing, and hiring H1b Visa workers was another, but after reading this, I can now see that we are completely doomed in the future, having H1b visa students graduate with that level of ESL literacy, who will probably end up working on mission-critical data systems, somewhere in a cave 21809123821083 miles away.

    No wonder China is laughing at us! =/

  33. I can only think of one thing to say to this guy….. “sit down and study, fucker!”

  34. hi jon, i´m a lonely girl… and you is my only hope. My phone number is 555-6969, call me!

    ps. Sorry with this joke, but that letter´s guy is too funny.

    (sorry my english)

  35. I’m brazilian and sure it was some brazilian guy who sent the message. It is quite clear for me that he wrote “portuguese in english”, using literally translated expressions that are nonsense in english but very usual in Brazil (when spoken in portuguese, naturally).
    * I dissaprove 3 courses = i failed in 3 subjects
    * and next with much security I help you with something that you ask me, but that it’s at my reach. = afterwards, be sure, I’ll help you… me, as long as it is possible

  36. Reality check! If this guy is not yanking our collective chains, well I’m sorry to say: It’s a far,far better place to which he’s headed. I’m not losing any sleep over it. I studied my ass off, and worked two jobs, and babysat my live-in, multiple substance abusing, insane girlfriend to get through college. When I got kicked out of my Dad’s house mid-semester for partying a bit too much was when it occurred to me to develop that insane work ethic. My Dad was a computer programmer, but instead of crying to him to do something which could have landed him in jail, and cut him off from his livelihood, I decided to be a man and step up, or go down swinging. The funny thing about this letter, is it isn’t that much different than the trifling-ass, ignorant, slaughtering-my-language type of bad grammar and spelling faux-pas’ that is the norm on ANY help file or documentation that comes with corporate software. These dildos want me to pay $99.00 for a piece of software that sucks, and not take 5 (seriously) minutes to proof-read the frakkin instructions! In other words, this guy didn’t reply to any of these posts because microsoft snapped him right up to be their editor-in-chief for their software help file dept. I’ll be looking forward to the embellism that will coincidentally end my life as I agonize over a set of instructions that an 8 year old could have made more clear. Hey, if his “fathers” puts him out of his misery, it’s just “culling the herd” baby! I mean, there might be someone out there who wouldn’t be wasting space at that university.
    P.S. Jon shared this with us, (‘cuz let’s face that shit was gold) just as he’s shared so much other stuff with us. I don’t even know what the guy looks like, but I know more about him than most of my immediate family members. Knowing that no one can please all of the people, all of the time, how ignorant is it of those of you who were offended to post the way you did. As a matter of fact, speaking of bad grammar, total ignorance of basic punctuation, sentence structure, or spelling…

  37. lol either this is the most lame arse bait to get you or this is the most lame arse excuse for a human being that god threw on earth. wtf.

    And yes, he cant write proper english, probably a foreigner, well, I dont want to think that such illiterate is a native speaker…

  38. How many other countries use that ‘GPA’ grading system besides the US? By the looks of it, it is most likely someone who lives in the southern hemisphere (25 of December result posting). Could be from south America, or south east Asia or perhaps even the south Pacific. I would think anyone from Africa, India and other eastern state who have access to the internet would a little better grammar than this. Nonetheless, it was a fun read.

    Cheers mate

  39. You know, that actually made me laugh. Not done that in a while.

    Then again, I get wierd emails sent to my inbox from people thinking I’m the founder of the Burning Man festival thing. Very strange emails indeed.

    That guy reminds me of all the AOL’ers you get on “hacking” forums that say “omg how u hax hotmail lolz?”.

    Sad, but hilarious.

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